Best Practices for Cultivating New (and Meaningful) Habits
Let’s say that you have always wanted to write a book. You’ve decided it’s time to finally get a first draft done. What you’re currently trying to figure out is how to develop a regular writing practice. You’re already very busy! You have a full time job, family obligations, a full social life, plus you have to keep up your meditation and exercise habits. It’s hard to add one more thing.
It’s always tricky to add one more thing to our daily or weekly routines, whether you’re trying to add in a creative practice, social connections, or other health and wellbeing habits.
On any given week, here are a few of the things that I’m trying to squeeze in:
🧡 Mothering two small kids
💻 Leading and growing my coaching business
✏ Writing a book
🤸♀️ Working out
🥗 Eating healthy
💬 Keeping up with friends and family (some of whom are in very different time zones)
🚸 Volunteering on the PTA
🧺 Plus all the usual life-admin of laundry, tidying up, errands, etc.
About a year ago, I committed (and really double-downed) on weightlifting and working out 3x a week, and eating a healthier diet, so these are relatively new practices for which I’ve learned how to make room. And the newest practice that I’m actively establishing is the writing practice, which I began about five months ago.
There are some weeks where one or several of these practices get bumped or skipped or neglected. It can be discouraging. Sometimes I feel like I’m a character in a slapstick comedy skit where I’ve already got my arms full of brown paper wrapped packages, but I’ve just got to pick up another one – and as soon as I do, another one falls. So I bend down to pick it up, and another one pops out and falls on the ground. And this, of course, goes on for an eternity.
Lately, it’s been helpful to just accept the reality that I can’t hold it all. Some weeks, when I try to add a few more calls with friends, I end up missing a workout. Some weeks, when I try to add a new client project, I miss an evening with my kids (and they let me know they don’t like it!). That’s just the way this thing goes.
Adding, and maintaining the habits and practices are complicated. And they are also important. We can’t forget that. Presumably, we are adding these things to our to-dos because they are meaningful.
Our efforts are meaningful too.
This is why I want to offer some tips that just might help you on the way. Some of them you may have heard before, and I hope that they are a helpful reminder.
Set benchmarks that are clear and a bit flexible
If we take the example of creating a writing practice, for example, your weekly goal might be: “I will do two writing sessions of 3 hours each.”
Ah, but what if your daughter gets sick and has to stay home with you one morning, which means that you can’t get that second writing session in after all?
This is where a more flexible goal can help. Here’s how you could adapt this goal: “I will do two writing sessions of 3 hours each, or six hours of writing total this week.”
That way, in case you miss a session, you can still make it up and feel good about making your goal.
Motivation is a slippery creature that you need to learn how to handle with care. Generally speaking, people feel more motivated if they feel they are making progress and consistently showing up for their goals. Creating clear and flexible goals that you can still achieve even in a world that throws you lots of curve balls can help you keep your overall motivation up.
Prepare in advance when you’ll do the thing you want to do
Given that our lives and worlds are unpredictable, it’s always helpful to eliminate as many barriers to you showing up to do your thing that are within your control. Creating a habit takes a little bit of effort – and by nature, humans are wired to go with what’s least effortful to conserve energy – so you need to plan in advance about how to go against this.
I recommend always sitting down with your calendar at the start of your week to actually time-block when you will do your new or growing habit.
For example, for my workouts, I find 3 times in my weekly calendar in which I can do them. I block out that time. I also send a text to my trainer with the list of the days I’ll work out for added accountability. The night before the workout day, I’ll make a quick mental note about what I should eat for breakfast or wear in the morning so that I’m ready for the workout.
Iterate and follow your own energy and what emerges as your best practices.
The worst mindset for motivation is to set an unrealistic target, not meet it and then pronounce yourself a failure who will never be able to do it. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but really, sometimes this is how our inner gremlins approach these things.
The best mindset for sticking with goals then is to set as realistic targets as you can, observe what happens next, take stock of your learnings and apply it to next time. You want to a nice mix of determination and tenacity, and a whole lot of self-compassion.
If we pick back up with my example of how I’ve set up my workout routine, here are a few of the learnings and subsequent iterations I made that helped me create something sustainable:
I realized at the beginning that some of my workouts would need to happen during the workday, when my kids were at school. That took a mental shift from: “I can’t take time off from work to exercise” to “I take time off from work to exercise because it’s necessary and important.” I also had to modify this belief. “I can’t give up work hours without suffering negative consequences” to “Work can adjust itself around my needs.”
I need at least 90 minutes total for the workout, cool down and showering, and I must not try to rush through it. This one I learned the hard way: One day I was trying to rush through a workout and accidentally dropped a 2kg weight on my forehead. I was mildly concussed but fortunately didn’t break my nose or do any greater damage! I felt really discouraged about my exercise practice for a while after that, hounded by that feeling of “You just can’t win.” It was an important reminder that with any important goal, we will have setbacks. Our ability to gently guide ourselves forward from setbacks is perhaps one of the most important skills we can have.
At first I thought the best time to do my workout was first thing in the morning after I dropped the kids off at school, but that changed when I added in my writing practice. Then I thought it was best to in the first hours of my day. Plus, I didn’t like having to postpone breakfast for so long in the morning. So now I work out immediately after a writing morning (when my schedule permits, it doesn’t always …) and the physical activity is actually a nice way to end a period of intense mental focus. It feels good.
Timing is important. Following your energy is key. Iterating, rather than giving up, is everything.
Track your progress, track your wins
Here’s my last piece of advice for cultivating a new habit. Remember how I mentioned that ultimately what you are really doing here is learning how to snake-charm your motivation?
Noticing your progress and celebrating it, is one of the biggest ways that you can foster your growing sense of motivation and momentum. It feels good, and your brain and body and spirit like to feel good and will want to do more of that!
So make sure that you build in:
A way to track your progress in smaller increments (this is like my text message workout tracker to my trainer … every time I work out, I copy the text, check off the workout and send it back to her).
Savor moments when you notice your overall progress (this could be like the moment that I pick my kid up and notice – whoa, I can actually pick her up easily, I’m getting stronger!)
People who you can share your progress with and who will encourage you (this could be my friend who knows that I’ve been working on this and celebrates with me)
I hope you’ve found some things here that will help support you as you add or continue cultivating your most meaningful habits and practices!
They are so important. One of my favorite quotes from writer Annie Dillard’s book The Writing Life is this:
“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing.”
With each of your everyday practices, you can live the life that reflects your values and your vision for yourself.
