Do you think about moving somewhere new?
Moving.
It’s a really common conundrum that people turn over and over in their minds, often for years before they take action.
Figuring out whether you should move and where too – of all the many possible places – can be daunting. As humans, we just don’t do well with contemplating taking action that involves a lot of unknowns, and risk, so we often just put it off.
I often coach people around this question, and since I’ve also moved a number of times as an adult, I can offer both my professional and personal advice around this topic!
My childhood was very stable and I lived in the same house all through my growing up. Then, when I was 16, I was an exchange student and had my first experience with choosing a place to try out living. I went with Rotary and had a pick of about 20 different countries. I ultimately chose Chile, where I lived for nearly a year.
When I returned home, it was time to also choose a place to go to college. I’d selected a number of colleges in small towns when my journalism teacher suggested NYU in the heart of downtown New York City. He loved New York City and thought I might too. I did, and that’s where I lived until I was nearly 24 years old and started missing the forest.
I moved back to Portland, where I lived for about 10 years, and then most recently moved to a farm outside of Barcelona where I now live with my husband and two kids.
I deeply appreciate where I live now. It’s funny, sometimes locals (especially the younger ones) do not at all get why an American would move here (this boring backwoods?!), and of course, on the flip side, many urban Americans I talk to think it’s absolutely dreamy. A reminder that it’s all about perspective.
There are times when I miss being in my home country, and I definitely find it hard to be so far from family and dear friends. Yet, I also feel like this was one of the best decisions, most informed and intentional decisions I’ve ever made about where I’ve lived; and to do so, I used many of the strategies I learned from coaching, which I’d also like to share with you.
Before I do that though, I want to share some of the top reasons why I think it’s so hard to decide to move somewhere.
Why Deciding to Move is Such a Difficult Decision
Perhaps the most obvious is that there are so many options. Even if, let’s say, you don’t have a lot of resources, think of how many places you could possibly live within a day’s car drive away, and how different they might all be. If you’re from the U.S., you can move across a vast expanse both geographically and culturally. And really, for many of my clients, who have lived abroad or have jobs that would allow them to move internationally, much of the world is open to them.
I remember apartment hunting in New York City one summer when I was in my early 20s. We didn’t have much money, which meant my search took me to the cheapest apartments in all five boroughs. That was my true education in the amazing diversity within NYC, popping up out of the subway station to emerge each time in seemingly disparate, entirely new worlds.
I’ve also mentioned how much uncertainty and a sense of risk can also play a big role. Moving is a lot like taking a new job. For as much research as you do about a place, you really can’t anticipate everything that you might encounter.
For example, when I first moved here to Catalonia, I felt confident that I’d be able to find friends in the nearby town of about 20,000 people. Surely by joining a yoga studio, taking tennis lessons, and especially taking our infant to the nursery school, I’d make some friends. Well, it didn’t exactly happen that way.
I did meet one of my closest friends in a maternity group, but really my hopes for a social life did not pan out into reality. It wasn’t until we moved the kids to the school in our village (population ~2,000) that it felt like the doors of friendship and community opened to us. And quite honestly, we chose this school during the pandemic lockdown, so we didn’t even have a chance to test it out and test its vibe. My husband simply said, wisely, that we didn’t know what these years would bring and we might as well just pick the school that was the closest to simplify our lives.
These two places are about 5 minutes car drive from each other, but they are worlds apart in how friendly and welcoming they felt. It’s the most bizarre thing, and I don’t think there was any way I could have discovered it until I actually lived it.
How to Choose Well When It Comes To Moving Somewhere New
There is a big sunk cost to moving somewhere new, and that can be intimidating. Packing up your life and moving it somewhere else is no small thing; it probably will be harder than you even imagine. And yet, yes, you can do it. And there are things to help you choose well.
Here are my steps for how to do that:
Always start with reflection. Pause, sit still (and even sit down with a coach like me!) and make notes on the following:
Of the place you live now, what do you like about it? What do you not like about it?What are the things that you think most impact your sense of happiness, peace and satisfaction?
Make a list of all the characteristics of your ideal place to live. Cover as many aspects as you can: what your actual home is like, what the larger community is like, what the environment is like, how it feels, etc.
Start to collect ideas about which places might be a match for you. Create a spot where you’re storing ideas and making notes on them, whether it’s a spreadsheet, in your journal or in Notion or another notetaking app.
Share your ideas with others and ask for their input. In the beginning, when your ideas are perhaps nascent or tender, share them only with people who will boost and support you or have good input for you.
Do whatever practical research you can about your options. For example, something you really want out of wherever you move next is lots of access to the outdoors. Something you might want to do with one of your options is research local hiking groups and even see if you can join one of their hikes sometime. What you’re doing is checking your perceptions against reality. One of the things to watch out for with big decisions is confirmation bias, where you only look for evidence that supports the decision you want to make. Use your list of ideals to crosscheck whether you’re really hitting all the important elements.
Ooch into it. This is a tip that I got from the book Decisive, by Dan Heath and Chip Heath. “Ooching” means to ease into a big decision by first getting a manageable, limited-time taster of it before you go all in. In dating, this might be like traveling with someone before moving in together. With work, it might be taking a contract job with a company before going full-time. And with moving, it might be finding a way to live and work from an Airbnb in your ideal new neighborhood for 3-4 weeks to see what it actually feels like.
Here are a few other pieces of wisdom that I can offer you about choosing a new place to live:
Align the move with your values. In my own experience, what made my own really big, international move a good decision was the fact that I knew I had found a place that would allow me to live some of my most important values. I wanted a place where I could live at a slower pace, close to nature, and more simply and with less consumerism. So when I discovered this country life here in Catalonia (with a dreamy guy too!), I clearly saw how well it aligned with what I’d been looking for. Having the opportunity to live these values here really helps during the inevitable hard times – such as being far from my native home during the pandemic – because it brings meaning and peace that is accessible every day.
Do you want to move because you want better weather? Listen, if you want to move because you’re tired of the cold or the grey clouds or rain, I am fully in support of you. A lot of people, and I mean A LOT of people want to move because they crave more Vitamin D. I really think you should honor that. I grew up in rainy, grey Portland, Oregon, and I can tell you, surviving the winters with mental health intact is no small feat. Now that I live in sunny Spain I no longer have to struggle every winter to keep up my spirits. I can focus on other things! So please, do not feel silly or undercut your desire to not have to deal with this anymore. Sun is a truly beautiful gift.
Don’t underestimate the value of community. You need people. In real life. Do what you can to choose a place to move where you already have some people or at least where you feel very certain that you will be able to develop some friendships and connections quickly. A very practical way of putting this is if you’re choosing between moving to Denver or Austin, and really they are a toss-up, except you have two close college friends in Austin and it’s also home to an immigrant community of which you’re also ethnically a part of, I’d say, definitely go with Austin.
What if you’re also having to make this decision with a partner? I’d recommend going through the steps that I listed above also with your partner. I know that sometimes it can be much harder to make a decision as a couple than it is as a single person. But basically the steps are the same. What you’ll also need to do is make regular time to reflect, research and then reflect on what you find out, and you’ll also need patience and lots of great communication. I actually offer couples coaching around questions like these, because it can help to have an outside container for making space to both plan and talk about these decisions, so that’s an idea too!
Moving Does Not Have To Be Permanent
Before I close, I want to share just one final piece of advice about moving:
Don’t forget that this decision, like so many others, can be reversed. You can undo it if you don’t like it, or it doesn’t turn out the way you wanted. That’s okay.
At least you took a chance. Remember that when it comes to regret in life, most people regret the things they didn’t do rather than the ones that they did do.
One of the most important things I’ve learned from becoming a coach is how bad we are as humans at noticing how impacted we are by our environments. We are in our realities and we are also prone to blaming ourselves when we aren’t thriving in a place anymore. We fail to see how much of our environment is really out of our control, and how much of an impact it can have on us if we can find one that really suits us well.
I know this deeply now. As soon as I finish up writing this, for example, I know I can step outside into the country lane just outside my door, hearing birdsong floating from the trees and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. Now no matter what’s happening on any given day, I know these sources of well-being in my environment can be counted on.
Listen to your own inner knowing and see what kind of new home and environment it suggests for you. These insights will guide you in the right direction.
If you are in the process of exploring what it would look like to move but are feeling stuck, then my coaching program may be hat you need to guide you through this big change in your life: https://www.lisahoashi.com/catalyst-coaching
